A typical morning involves Rachelle and I greeting the baby in the morning while she’s standing in her crib patiently waiting to be lifted out so she can start her day.  The conversation goes a little something like this:

Me: Hey! Layla…good morning, Monkeybrains!

Her: Da-da?

Me: How did you sleep?  Did you have sweet dreams?

Her: Daaaa-DA.

Usually she lets out a loud screech or a quick cry to let me know she’s getting impatient.

Me: No.  We don’t do that.  Calm it down.

Her: Shoe?

Me: I don’t understand what a shoe has to do with any of this.

She definitely has a temper on her.  Yesterday and/or the night before she managed to slap Rachelle on the actual eye-ball while in a fit of rage.

The times that try my patience most are when she’s eating, but not hungry anymore.  The way she lets me know she’s finished is to wait until I get close to her with a spoonful of sloppy food then she knocks the spoon out of my hand like Steven Seagal disarming a terrorist. The food goes everywhere and I scream inside my head. Sometimes I can’t help but yell a little bit on the way to getting a napkin.  I turn back at Layla and she whispers: “Shoe?”

We paid a visit to the neighbors to collect some candy, then to the Fare household, then to my mom’s house for some greasy dinner. I have to say that my favorite part of Halloween is eating all of the candy that Layla couldn’t eat. She’d better get use to it. Oh and I had a blast of nostalgia while I was eating Fun Dip, which I haven’t had the pleasure of eating since I was about 10 years old. I could actually feel the stuff racing through my veins.

When the wife and child went to bed, I took a ride to what feels like the other side of the planet to Hainesport, NJ to hang out with our friends Lori and Mike.

Tonight is Jason’s Halloween party. I can assure you that excellent pictures will come of it. Stay tuned.

Here are the pictures from yesterday:

I managed to sneak out of work a little early to try to beat traffic, which was a success.  In fact, I can’t even remember yelling or cursing at another driver, which is rare.

I got to the house before Rachelle and Layla, and I was starving.  When that happens, I prowl around the kitchen like a panther looking for something to eat.  I landed on mini candy bars, and twelve Oreos.  As you can probably imagine, when Rachelle got home and was ready to serve beef stew for dinner, I wasn’t very hungry anymore.

At one point, while Layla was eating dinner, she took a huge bite of beef and got gravy all over her face. A second later she snatched my cell phone from me and began chewing on it.  So today there are chunks of dry, rotted stew meat stuck to the front of my phone. I think I’ll leave it because Layla must have put it there for a special reason.

After dinner I played with Layla…check that… I pathetically followed Layla around while she flat-out ignored me like a high school snob.  But then she heard me bite into another Oreo cookie and magically she felt like we should be best friends again.  She’s such a user.

At around 8:15 I drove to my brother Jason’s house to watch the World Series and to eat enough wings to cause cardiac arrest.  The baseball game was interesting because a) It was being resumed from a few days ago so it was starting in the 6th inning, and in frigid, miserable Philly October weather and b) it ended with a Philadelphia sports team winning a championship.  My mom was 20 years old the last time the Phillies won a championship.

When the Phils made the final out, I jumped up and high-fived my brother (which was an extremely gay thing to do, in retrospect), but after that we just kind of sat there.  We are so conditioned for disappointment and let-down that when a team actually “won-it-all” we locked up and got confused.  I think we might have high-fived again before calling it a night.

By the time I got home Rachelle was in bed sleeping.  I crept into the bedroom and “propositioned” her with “Come on!  For the Phils!” I painted a romantic scene that no young lady could refuse.

After she rejected me I read a book and fell asleep.

Saturday afternoon was her birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s.  When you walk into that place you’re smacked in the face with pure chaos, and germs…like chemical warfare. There are children sprinting back and forth, lights flashing, and the sounds of screaming, video games, and carnival music.  Honestly, if it was acceptable for me to play in the playground area, and void myself of all responsibilities then I’d be in my glory, but I had to be a grown-up and do the meet-and-greet thing with the adults.

Layla didn’t take a nap, so by the time she got to the party she was beyond tired.  I caught her flashing nasty looks at some of our guests. I was going to tell her no but I was afraid she’d slap the taste out of my mouth.

Here’s my gripe with Chuck E. Cheese’s.  We called weeks in advance and reserved the party for 30 adults, and 10 children.  When we got to the party, we were lead to our party area, which consisted of a long table set for 12 people.  I explained to our host that we reserved a party for 30 adults so this table for 12 people probably won’t do the trick.  She explained that there is another party of 40, a party of 25, a party of 20, and a party of 15 in the same area, so they don’t have the room to accomodate everybody.  She kept driving the fact that there are too many parties at once to be able to seat the adults.  Now I didn’t finish college, but an obvious solution to this problem is: DON’T BOOK SO MANY PARTIES AT THE SAME TIME.  But that would mean that Chuck E. Cheese’s would lose money in exchange for the comfort of their guests. We couldn’t have that.

So the result was a packed dining room and not enough room to get to and from the tables.  No matter where you stood, you were in somebody’s way.

After an hour we were informed that it was time to sing Happy Birthday.  We rounded up our group, and I took Layla to the head of the table.  I learned that we’re not singing to just Layla, but also to the other 27 birthday parties in the area.  I stood up front with Layla, while Chuck the Mouse himself grazed my back-side as he sang and danced.  Layla was happy to see him, and decided to kiss him.  She’s an affectionate individual.

She wound up getting a lot of great gifts, although I was disappointed because a lot was clothes, and opening up clothes is boring.  Thanks to everybody for coming, and for your generous gifts.  Thank you to my brother’s girlfriend, Mallory, who baked some amazing birthday cakes, and cup cakes.

When we got home from Chuck E. Cheese’s we got some much-needed rest, and liquor.

TO VIEW ALL OF THE PICTURES FROM THE PARTY, CLICK HERE

]]> http://www.fatherhooddiary.com/2008/10/27/my-pork-chop-is-1-year-old/feed/ http://www.fatherhooddiary.com/2008/10/21/kettinger-family-anniversary/ http://www.fatherhooddiary.com/2008/10/21/kettinger-family-anniversary/#comments Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:11:13 +0000 Jim http://www.fatherhooddiary.com/?p=132 Today is our two-year wedding anniversary for Rachelle and I.  It’s been a great, and busy two years.  I’m pretty sure that living with me is like living with a 9 year old child with ADHD, so anybody who has dealt with me for this long deserves a trophy.

On Saturday we went out to dinner to The Little Tuna, in Haddonfield, to celebrate.  When the meal itself wasn’t enough, we went across the street for a stomach-clenching latte, then next door to Cold Stone Creamery.  Tonight, Rachelle is going to make a seafood feast while I chase a baby back and forth around the house keeping her away from electrical sockets.

This weekend everybody’s favorite Texan, Cory, is flying in for a few days.  We’re going out on Friday night for margaritas, it should be a “good ole time”.  Saturday is Layla’s first birthday, which is another mind-blowing occasion for me.  Sunday we’re going to my mom’s house for some dinner and more birthday festivities.  By Monday I’ll probably be ready to call out of work.

Here are some highlights:

The Faire Itself is a Dream

I’m a big fan of medieval times, and fantasy, so the faire is amazing for me.  Thousands of people attend, many are dressed up and immerse themselves in the atmosphere.  Pirates, knights, sorcerers, wenches, and warriors… parading around to the tune of folk music.  Attending this sort of circus is one of the nerdiest things one could ever do, but it is a hell of a lot of fun.

It Feels Weird to Walk Into Wawa Dressed as a Peasant

My friends decided they’d get dressed at the hotel, so I was the only jackass who had to walk into the store in character.  It felt weird I guess because most people aren’t use to seeing a man wearing tight, velvet pants, and dress shoes.

The Shows are Good but People Watching is Better

There are a lot of different entertainment options at the faire, but our favorite thing to do wound up being just hanging out, people watching, and drinking a lot of beer.  This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to people who know me.  My brother, Tomico, and I did compete in a sword fighting competition.  Each competitor has three balloons tied to their armor.  The object is to pop all three balloons with the plastic sword provided before your opponent pops yours.  Jason won the competition.
All it all it was a great day.  We spent the remainder of the evening eating vending machine food, and playing poker.

Will we go back next year? “Aye, ye’ can bet yer’ bottom.”

Check out the pictures here

We got a perfect day, weather-wise, on Friday.  It was sunny, and in the low 70s.  When we got into the zoo, I picked the baby up to look at the animals.  The first section was exotic birds… toccans and parrots and such.  since they don’t move around much, Layla couldn’t care less.  But suddenly a group of regular, everyday birds swooped down from outside of the zoo and Layla was mesmerized.  A few minutes later, a squirrel walked through the path and again, spell-bound, Layla was.  Figures.

She was actually very good, and was interested in the animals that moved around.  We tried getting her to feed the goats but it didn’t work too well.  We put the goat food into her hand, and she tried to eat it.  She wasn’t about to give up a delicious meal to some goat.

We’ll take her back next year and I’m sure she’ll appreciate it even more.  I uploaded all of the pictures to Flickr.  You can see them here.

I put on the XM Comcast channel.  It’s Ocktoberfest right now, so the “Sound of the Seasons” channel is rocking either polka, German drinking songs, or Switzerland Yodelling music.  Layla and I march around the living room and pump our fists in the air holding our imaginary umbrellas.  She really gets into it.

Last night we played the 80’s channel and she fell asleep against my chest despite my terrible rhythm.

She’s getting along great at Jill’s (the new babysitter) house.  Jill has three boys including a one-year-old of her own.  Every morning when I arrive with Layla in the car seat, her one-year-old gets excited and walks over to Layla.  He gets right up in her face and screams to greet her hello.  Layla cries because she’s aggravated that some boy is yelling, point blank in her face first thing in the morning… but she gets over it quickly.

I catch bits and pieces of people talking about him trying to kiss Layla, or Layla trying to kiss him but I try to tune that out real fast.

Layla turns 1 year old in about three weeks.  Amazing.

I rolled out of bed at 6:10, crept slowly and quiety down the hall like a burglar, and put a pot of coffee on.  After brushing my teeth and getting dressed, I checked the baby monitor and saw that Layla was awake…and throwing each one of her stuffed animals, toys, and blankets out of her crib one by one.

I was excited to see her, so I opened her bedroom door, and walked in with a big, dumb grin on my face…until I took one breath.  The stench was paralyzing and nearly brought me to my knees.  The room was warm, so baby poop was cooking in her diaper for god knows how long.

I lifted her to the changing table and held my breath for what felt like 10 minutes while I changed her.  Rachelle is quick and efficient when she does the changing.  I, on the other hand, take forever, and I use 7,000 wipes because I take no chances on her poop making direct contact with my skin. Rachelle left clothes out for her, so there was no guess work.

The next step was the feeding.  I sat her in the high chair and opened the jar of fruit oatmeal something or other.  I took some on the spoon, and Layla started crying.  “Ok.  Why?”  I had to practically force feed her the first spoonful, after which her firy red unibrow-of-fury dissipated and she smiled.  The key is to feed her FAST.  If there is longer than .075 of a second where there isn’t food in her mouth, her feelings get hurt and she cries.  At one point I gave her a big spoonful of food.  She didn’t chew or swallow this time though, she just let it sit on her tongue.  Then, she let out a huge sneeze, which sent the food all over her clothes.

Great.  She had to be changed.  After ripping apart her closet and drawers, I settled on a nice tank-top one-sie thing, which I figured would work great for the 58 degree morning we were having.  I put duck socks on her.  They don’t match.  I put a blue sweater over the tank top.  That also doesn’t match.

I was driving her to the babysitter’s house, and she demanded we listen to Elmo.  If I hear that CD again I’m going to throw myself off a bridge.

Layla was getting into trouble this morning.

Normally, I pretty much give her run of the house.  I let her play with my cell phone, play with my keys, play with my wallet, play with the home phone, the remote controls…there isn’t much that I stop her from doing but today she only wanted to do what she isn’t allowed to do.  She started off by circling around the coffee table to get to my laptop computer.  She had baby food on her face, and was biting her fingers so there was some apple/oatmeal slop on her fingers.   Normally I let her type on my laptop, but today she decided she wanted to push the keys down and PULL them away from the keyboard…to pop them out.

No, I said.

She gave me a foul look and crawled away.  I proceeded to check my e-mail on said laptop.  Suddenly I see four little fingers appear on the top of the screen, and it gets yanked open, revealing Layla’s curious face on the other side.

I said no.

She smiled and hobbled away to the sound of her rustling diaper.  Again, I clicked around on my computer and noticed out of the corner of my eye that she was looking at me.  I turned my head to find that Layla has decided to snack on a tissue for dessert.

“No, no, no!”

“Da, Da, Da”, she replied.

I left the house for work and now Rachelle is stuck dealing with the Bubonic plague, and Curious George.